Yep still here. Kinda.
Been really awkward lately. My attitude sucks. Irritated all the time.
I guess that comes along with being sexually inactive for 7 months. Gwen was recently joking on me at Fallout that as soon as Ben comes back, I am gonna suddenly be in love with the world again. My sarcasm and vulgarity will just disappear. I can't say it won't come true. In fact, I hope it does. I miss my male counterpart. Things just are not the same without him. Things are changing though. Maybe its me getting a bit older and.. I suppose wiser? Or perhaps the world is just shifting about me. The old comforts are gone. Working isn't the same, hanging out with the old friends isn't the same. People come and go, people move, and people leave. I feel sick without someone here who gets me. I know I have changed being left alone. I won't go as far as to say abandoned but mentally it feels that way. I am proud of him doing what he is doing but I don't feel complete being by myself but being attached to somebody else. Then again.. I am afraid of the Richmond curse. I am not ready to lose this relationship. I will do anything to not lose it at all. I think I have put too much time, patience, and dedication to see it go down the drain. Not jumping to conclusions and saying we will get married but the day I do tie the knot, I am moving out of the state. I keep saying that as a joke but I don't know how much I am actually kidding. I also don't want to believe that the city that I have come to love has caused my friends' plights. There are plenty of couples who live here that are happily together or married but just as many who are the exact opposite. Can anyone figure out this reason for such a high number in divorce, separation, or calling it quits on a relationship?
I know I am not ready and too young to settle down at this current time.. but I at least want to hold onto the hope that I could be happy with one person for the rest of my life. Is it too much for a girl to grow up and still hold onto the dream of the "M" word?
Deep stuff... ish.. I know but seeing Nick and Will, Heather and Tucker, or even Jenny and Mike.. you can't help but examine your own relationship and life. All I know is that I am happy with my relationship level and would be happy if things continued on as they are.
(P.S. B- don't be worried, I am not here to thrust a ring in yer face or say we are all doomed, we all examine our experiences; yours is war, mine is the biggest issues surrounding the bar life that I get to hear about on a daily basis)
On a lighter and not so crazy lady note:
I really really really hate anarchists. I mean... come on! Who can actually say they are an anarchist anymore. So there was this band that played at Rocks recently. Punk band that began with a "R". Jackie has them come back to her house to stay the night before they have to be on the road the next morning. Meanwhile, I am getting wasted. Not Wednesday Night Heroes/Lower Class Brats show wasted, but none the less pretty drunk. Everything is fine until all but one of the members passes out. We go from topic to topic and he doesn't seem like such a bad guy... until politics come up. And fuck. I should know better, and so should Jackie. Punk kids in a band from Northern California. Duh! Liberal hippie fucks if I have ever seen. Talking about blowing up government buildings. I quickly dismiss that conversation with a "You've gotta be fucking kidding me.. are you really that retarded"-esque comment and glance. Welcome to the real world! Do you think you honestly could pull that type of shit these days? Breaking into government buildings? Lollercaust. I almost want to encourage just to see them fucking shot, and then to see them in those little Darwin's "You ARE A FUCKING IDIOT" books. But here, this is the fucking cherry on the god damned sundae. This kid, insisting that he hates the war, politics, consumerism, and America... as well being a, quote 'self-proclaimed anarchist', is wearing Guess glasses. GUESS!?!??! WHAT?!? You fucking moron! How dare you say anarchy and wear a giant corporation's product! I hope you read a newspaper article where someone discovered Ethiopian/Malaysian infants constructed those glasses. What then bitch? I hope you get VD and die of throat cancer.
Oh! And then he tries to get into an argument with two Richmond girls about guns. I love guns. Jackie loves guns. I have almost been pulled into a car and raped and who knows what else could have happened.. and you are one to say that I shouldn't carry and weapon or hurt people?!?!? You call for the deaths of politicians and the military? You are a fucking idiot. Yeah cos next time I get mugged or raped I should just be like.. "Oh well, I shouldn't hurt you so I am just gonna let it happen." I hope your dick gets burned off by acid and eaten by pigeons. How dare you come into Richmond and say that shit. Sorry sweetheart, this isn't the suburb of San Fransisco where you live. People get stabbed, shot, mugged, and raped here every day. Move here for six months. You will probably change your mind after all the abuse you would accumulate. Next time you go on tour, grow a fucking pair and learn the ways of the world, not what Crimethinc has to say or whatever fucking bullshit hippie suburbanite e-zine you cherish you stupid fuck. Die in a warehouse fire and let rats eat your remains you wannabe P.C. son of a bitch with stupid glasses and dumb tattoos.
P.S. B- aren't you proud of me?! i.love.you. I can't wait til next month.